Distressed

Yesterday the next-door-neighbor child came over for a playdate. (This is the one that is 7 years old and owns her own copy of Jaws 2, and let my 8 year old watch it at her house. I was appalled. I spoke to the mother about it the next day. Anyway.) They played and had dinner and played some more. When it was just about time to go home, I sent them downstairs to clean up the toys they'd played with in the basement. I went to check on them, and the place was a disaster. Not to mention, my 6 year old son was covered in makeup, including nail polish on the skin of his hands. I lost it. Now, I regret losing it. See, I know I have esteem issues and I know how to change them. I just can't seem to. But the thought that went through my head when they trashed the basement was that everyone in the neighborhood thinks that just because ours is the oldest and least tidy house on the block, they can just trash it. This happened the last time the little girl was over (with another neighbor girl), and it happened again when one of the neighbor boys was over. That time, they took a 1000-piece puzzle and threw it from one end of the basement to the other. So anyway, I know that kids that age don't consciously think like that. It's all me. I'm the one who knows I'm a terrible housekeeper and I'm the one who feels inadequate because we have a modest house on a street full of McMansions. So I shouldn't have been so hard on my kids. But every time I start taking care of the house regularly I start feeling SO put-upon and SO ill-used...I'm a smart girl. I have a college degree. I'm well read. But I spend my day cleaning toilets and vacuuming? So my husband says, get a job. Yeah, but then who would run over to the school and pick up the kids when they get sick? Who would take them to doctor's appointments and do the laundry and make sure the yard guys do a good job? Pathetic. I know. So I get a hobby. I scrapbook. I knit. But those activities are so much more stimulating than cleaning that I ignore the cleaning and just do fun things. And then I feel bad all over again. It's clear to me where my son gets his "pleasure principle" lifestyle. I tell him, "Do the work and then you can do the fun stuff." But I don't live it. I think I'm going to have to use knitting and scrapping and computer time as rewards for a while. I may even have to set up a checklist for myself the way I did for my 6 year old! When the work is done, THEN I can do something for myself. How else am I going to break out of this cycle and finally be able to have people over without feeling like what I have to offer is so sub-standard? End of whine. The girl's socks are complete and I have a few photos to post. Right now I have to take Seeger to have his stitches removed.