What can I do?

I'm sort of staring around me helplessly. Ben has had two accidents at school in the past two days. We had about a month there where he was back on track and keeping dry every day, and now this. I'm not there! I can't remind him to do what he needs to do! I don't think it's right to punish him for it. All I can do is talk to him about it, and he tunes me right out the minute I start. If I sit him down in the kitchen he picks something off the counter and starts fiddling with it while I talk. If I take him to a quiet place with no distractions around, he plays with his hands or jumps around in his seat. Honestly, days like these I *do* think he has ADD. Other days I'm convinced it's not possible. I'm just completely nonplussed, and out of ideas. In addition, he was sitting in the nurse's chair asleep again. I've been keeping to the regular bedtime schedule while DH is out of town, starting baths around 7:30, everyone in bed by 9:00. Mostly, Ben is asleep by 9:15 and sometimes sooner. But he gets up early. I think he was up around 5:30 this morning, because I heard him jumping around up here. Now, I can put him to bed earlier, but I sure can't make him stay asleep in the morning. The nurse is extremely nice to me, but she was questioning me about his bedtime since he was like this on Friday too. I don't blame her. I just don't know what to do. (that's the theme of this blog post, if you didn't figure it out yet) I have a couple of ideas. First, I've already decided that we watch too much TV on school days. Generally there's no TV after dinner but there is computer. So I'm going to set a "one 30-minute TV show and one 30-minute computer session" limit. Also, no Nintendo after dinner. Only books or games. Maybe limiting the electronics will help them be calmer and more ready for sleep when bedtime comes. I also think I need to eliminate MY computer time once they're home from school. More personal time with me will make them calmer as well (and less likely to fight, since I'll be right there). I'll be the first one to tell you that I use the computer to escape. But that has to stop. I have plenty of computer time while they're at school, believe me. Okay, nearly time to go to the bus. I think my first package from my first sock yarn club should arrive today. Better go check the mailbox. And take some deep breaths to start this new program (which I know will be met with plenty of grumbles and moans).

They don't call it "retail therapy" for nothin'

The thing is, I'm not a big clothes shopper. So I don't spend a lot of money on fashion. But I do love me a cool kitchen gadget from time to time, so guess what I bought today? Gave me a little lift since there are still three more days until my husband is home. Tried the hot chocolate and the cappucino, and was very happy with each. Now to win the lottery so we can keep buying the little pods.

Unloading

I had a bad night. I already called and moaned at my mom but I feel like getting it off my chest just one more time. Because the teacher had been so concerned about Ben's attention span, we decided to take him to see a private child psychologist and have her evaluate him. With my husband's company we can use the Employee Assistance Program to see a mental health provider for 5 visits at no cost. If it's determined that more visits are needed, it then goes to the regular insurance. But we figured if there was nothing wrong, 5 visits would probably be plenty. It was worth it to us to get the peace of mind. It's just a one-person practice, right around the corner form our house. We went in last week for the parent meeting, and the psychologist seemed fine. She said, "Mmm hmm" about every 2 or 3 seconds, which made it a little difficult to talk, but she seemed to know her stuff. Our appointment for her to meet with Ben for the first time was tonight. We arrived a little early for our 4:45 appointment. Just after we got there, another family arrived. The receptionist told me to take Ben back to the doctor's office, but then the doctor called her into the office and closed the door. The receptionist came out and told me that the other family would be going ahead of us. I said, "But we did have a 4:45 appointment, right?" And she said yes. We waited for a few minutes and I asked her would that family be in there for a full session. She pulled me out into the hallway to tell me that they were supposed to come for a 3:45 appointment but they were late. I was pretty appalled that I was being shunted aside for someone who should have had to reschedule, but I took the kids out for some pizza and came back around 5:40. The Late Family was still in there. Finally at 6:15 I asked if we were ever going to get to go in, and she said she didn't know. I took Rebecca to the bathroom and when we got back the receptionist said to go on back. When I walked in the doctor's door she didn't say hello, sorry for the wait, nothing, just, "We won't have time to do a full session with Ben." I was shocked. I reminded her that we had an appointment for 4:45 and it was now nearly 6:30, and I didn't see the point in doing just a short session. She suggested that I come back another day. I told her that I was feeling very upset and pushed aside, and she said she was sorry but she was running behind and had some emergencies. I told her that we might come back another time, but I didn't make another appointment and don't plan to. I have a suspicion that the other family were "regulars" who pay her regular rate, and she probably gets less than that from the EAP for seeing us. So it made better business sense for her to see the full-price-paying family even though we were the ones who were courteous enough to be on time. When my husband gets back into town I'm going to ask him to phone the EAP and make sure that they know about her behavior and that she doesn't try to charge them for our non-visit. If EAP participants only get second-rate service, what kind of motivation will they have to use it at all? It doesn't seem fair. Okay, I'm actually not all that upset about it anymore but earlier I was pretty darn mad. I was having second thoughts about doing it anyway, because Ben's school reports are SO much better now that his assignments are geared toward his learning level. I think starting some kind of official evaluation process could have caused more trouble than it solved. So it worked out in the end. I just hate to be treated like that, you know?

How cute is this?!?

My friend Rach got me thinking about toques recently, and I found this pattern (along with the friendly forum knit-along) and decided to try it. I had to make a few adjustments to get it to fit a kid-sized head, and I wasn't completely successful, but the girl LOVES it and that's all that matters to me.

Addendum to earlier post

First off, gigantic hugs to Lisa and Melanie for your responses to me. Honestly, they helped more than you know. I just go through this phase every once in a while. I don't get a lot of help around the house, so sometimes I just quit. And no one else seems to care to pick up the slack, so I'm the one that gets frustrated and has that much more to do when I finally lose patience with the mess. I've made some positive steps so far today, tidying a lot and cleaning some too. This may be a little counter-productive, but I created a group over on Ravelry called "Knitting Rewards" where people can post their daily goal list and what knitting project they'll use as a reward when the tasks are completed. I'm about halfway done with my task list for today. But I still need a shower before I go to the bus stop, so I have to factor that in as well. Seeger's stitches came out with no problems and he's good to go. No more cone, no bandages, nothing. No more you-know-whats either, lol. And finally I really just wanted to add the sock photos. Rebecca chose the yarn, let me just remind you. And I was lucky that each ball of yarn started in exactly the same place, which is the only reason the stripes match up so well. I'm not usually a stickler about that. Apologies for the blurriness and bad lighting...I was trying to get the photos before she rushed off to school in them.

Distressed

Yesterday the next-door-neighbor child came over for a playdate. (This is the one that is 7 years old and owns her own copy of Jaws 2, and let my 8 year old watch it at her house. I was appalled. I spoke to the mother about it the next day. Anyway.) They played and had dinner and played some more. When it was just about time to go home, I sent them downstairs to clean up the toys they'd played with in the basement. I went to check on them, and the place was a disaster. Not to mention, my 6 year old son was covered in makeup, including nail polish on the skin of his hands. I lost it. Now, I regret losing it. See, I know I have esteem issues and I know how to change them. I just can't seem to. But the thought that went through my head when they trashed the basement was that everyone in the neighborhood thinks that just because ours is the oldest and least tidy house on the block, they can just trash it. This happened the last time the little girl was over (with another neighbor girl), and it happened again when one of the neighbor boys was over. That time, they took a 1000-piece puzzle and threw it from one end of the basement to the other. So anyway, I know that kids that age don't consciously think like that. It's all me. I'm the one who knows I'm a terrible housekeeper and I'm the one who feels inadequate because we have a modest house on a street full of McMansions. So I shouldn't have been so hard on my kids. But every time I start taking care of the house regularly I start feeling SO put-upon and SO ill-used...I'm a smart girl. I have a college degree. I'm well read. But I spend my day cleaning toilets and vacuuming? So my husband says, get a job. Yeah, but then who would run over to the school and pick up the kids when they get sick? Who would take them to doctor's appointments and do the laundry and make sure the yard guys do a good job? Pathetic. I know. So I get a hobby. I scrapbook. I knit. But those activities are so much more stimulating than cleaning that I ignore the cleaning and just do fun things. And then I feel bad all over again. It's clear to me where my son gets his "pleasure principle" lifestyle. I tell him, "Do the work and then you can do the fun stuff." But I don't live it. I think I'm going to have to use knitting and scrapping and computer time as rewards for a while. I may even have to set up a checklist for myself the way I did for my 6 year old! When the work is done, THEN I can do something for myself. How else am I going to break out of this cycle and finally be able to have people over without feeling like what I have to offer is so sub-standard? End of whine. The girl's socks are complete and I have a few photos to post. Right now I have to take Seeger to have his stitches removed.

Quick socks!

I'm pretty excited to report that the 2-at-once socks are nearly done! Granted, I've been ignoring housework to make that happen, but we do have a clean kitchen and clean clothes so I haven't been a complete slug. Here's a photo I took early yesterday, so I've gotten more done since then. I only have about 3 more inches on the feet and they'll be complete. I can't believe that I'll have them both done at one time so Rebecca can put them right on her feet! If I work hard today maybe I can get them finished before she gets home from school. Then I can get back to Ben's cardigan. (Do you like the self-striping yarn she picked?) We're gearing up for DH's big trip: China, Korea, and Singapore. I'm not excited about how long he'll be gone, but I know he'll enjoy traveling to these places. I hope he at least has a little time to sightsee and doesn't have to sit on planes and in meeting rooms the entire time. He's been to Singapore and Korea before, but this will be his first time in China. He says there's a big discount clothing mart right beside his hotel, so maybe he'll bring me back some clothes. Things are settling down a lot for Ben at school. His teacher spent a weekend a few weeks back drawing up an entirely new curriculum for him. While he's still studying the same subjects as the rest of the class (systems of the body for science and communities for social studies) his assignments are project-oriented and involve a lot of computer research and harder worksheets. His teacher reports that he stays on task almost all the time now, and he tells me he likes school and enjoys the challenge of the new projects. He does the same math as the other kids, but he never had a problem staying on task during math time. He loves math. He doesn't have to do centers anymore either, which were a HUGE problem for him. Thank goodness the teacher realized what she could do to help him, and is implementing it so nicely for him. I hope it continues.

A very very very nice day

This is going to be a pretty insipid post, even by my standards, but I just have to write all this down because I want to remember the gentle sense of contentment I feel right now. Today started with hot homemade waffles. The kids ate up every bite. DH and I read the paper and sipped coffee, sharing stories we found in our respective papers (he had the Times and I had Newsday). After some quiet time doing our own activities--DH on the computer, me knitting, the kids on the other computer playing Webkinz--we headed out for the day. First, lunch at Wendy's and some fun games at the table. Then across the street for two games of bowling (I bowled the high score of the day with 153). Next we went to Home Depot to pick up some tarps to cover the roof where the leaks were on Friday, because we're supposed to have some rain and snow tonight. We also got some of that great kindling they carry. Finally, a stop at the grocery store for the things we need to have on hand in case the snow blocks us in for a day or two. Once we got home and the groceries were put away, the kids went back to their computer games and DH and I got busy putting up the tarp. No one fell off the roof. While DH put the other tarp over our patio furniture, I did something that I've been wanting to do for two years now. I cleaned out half the garage so we can now park both cars inside! We've been waiting to get rid of all the baby furniture that's out there, but I know how badly DH wants to be able to park his car indoors in the winter so I made that happen for him. Then we had dinner and bathtime, and now it's almost time for the kids to go to sleep and DH and I to sit down together and watch our favorite show, The Amazing Race. See, I told you it would be a pretty sillly post. But I think the combination of events just all worked together to give me a feeling of relaxation and accomplishment both. And I want to remember that on days when I feel like either I can't get anything done or I tried and didn't do enough. Today was a good day.

Nightmare

I can hardly even talk about it. My gosh what a morning. Rain...not just outside either. I found myself out in the pouring rain on a ladder scooping disgusting piles of goop out of the gutters with my bare hands, scraping them up dreadfully in the process. At least it stopped the flood in the basement. Back inside, pots littered the floor of the kitchen catching all the rain that was coming in from a completely different leak that needs re-tarring. Can't really handle that one by myself, particularly since it's still rainy. Dog is mending but not really interested in anything like sleeping or resting. I'm overcompensating for my guilt by giving him extra breakfast and lots of chewy treats. The more he chews on them, the less likely he is to lick his stitches...and I simply can't tolerate that darn Elizabethan collar thing anymore. And husband is still away, completely and joyfully oblivious to the ruin that awaits him when he returns tonight. Okay, okay, I'm being slightly overdramatic. But dealing with a leaky old house while also trying to get the kids (who are draggy on the best of mornings) ready for school AND deal with the walking-wounded dog was not my idea of a fun time. I still haven't had a shower and it's after 1:00. I did, however, return some library books today and stopped at Panera for take-out of soup and a nice warm sandwich. And I cast on a pair of two-at-a-time socks from the book that arrived last night, so that was fun and comforting at the same time. Plus, I know that as long as we keep the gutters clean the water pretty much stays out of the basement, and I think the other leak will be a pretty easy fix if we can just get a sunny day to do it. So it's not so bad. It just all seemed to come at once, you know?

For Dad

My littlest baby is at the vet's as we speak. He's probably so pissed at me right now. I couldn't give him breakfast, doctor's orders, and now I left him alone in that place. Ben's so traumatized he doesn't know what to do. I think he thought he was going to have to watch the surgery or something. I'm sure all will be fine, but I'm allowed to be a little nervous. Also, it's very strange to be alone in the house for the first time since August. Update 2:30: Just called the vet and Seeger is doing just fine. He's out of surgery and I can pick him up after 3:30. That's a big relief!

The sound of no one breathing

I'm holding my breath this morning. Ben took his medicine this morning and ate some cereal. I drove them in to school so he could hang out at home a little longer so I could keep an eye on how his tummy reacted to the meds. It's now 10:20 and I'm waiting by the phone to see if the nurse calls. (Yesterday when she called she said, "Hi, it's Nurse Ratchet from school." LOL! She's a hoot. And she lets me talk and talk about our toileting troubles and gives lots of sympathy. I love her.) So far, so good. I absolutely must go out to get groceries today, so I hope he stays well. He was acting SO much better this morning...I'm sure it will be fine now but I can't help but worry. I'm a mommy. The weather is the PITS today. It's just spitting down, gray and gloomy, clammy and nasty. Not a nice refreshing rain but just glum. Yick. And my hair was looking so nice too. Not if I go out in this mess, though. I finished the back section of Ben's cardigan last night. I just can't seem to make myself start the second socks for him and me. I'm really anxious to try 2 socks on one circular needle using Silver's tutorial, plus I have some yummy yummy sock yarn from Eat.Sleep.Knit just calling to me. I stop and squish it occasionally when I pass by. Finishing the back of the cardi has inspired me to keep going on that, though, until I finish. Maybe I'll cast on new socks if I go out for a knit date soon (not likely with all DH's travel this month). And some odd but fun news: I will actually be participating in season 3 of the Amazing Digiscrapping Race this time around. I came up with the concept last year and administered the race for season one. When Theresa was ready for season 2, I was just on the verge of quitting designing altogether and didn't have the desire to work on it again. So she took the reins and season 2 was WAY better than season 1. This time, I'm off the design team and ready to race around the digi world! I'm hoping it will jump-start my scrapping mojo, which seems to have taken an extended vacation. I fully expect to see it back, just in time for the race, with a nice dark tan and a headful of beaded braids, saying, "Hey, mon, it's gonna be ai-ree!" Thanks, Michael, now get back to work selling paper. It'll be weird to be a player rather than the race queen, but I'm looking forward to it. And in less pleasant news, today is Seeger's last day as an intact male. Yup, tomorrow he's going to be (as they say in my dad's favorite Far Side cartoon) "tutored." And that's it from Chez Me today.

I need a rewind this morning

Yesterday at our visit, the doctor told me Ben could go back to school today if he was feeling better. He said he was feeling good this morning so I got him all ready. Got him to dress and make his bed, then gave him his antibiotic dose and fed him some breakfast. About halfway through breakfast (oatmeal) he kind of pooped out. I knew he needed energy, so I actually fed him. He kept eating, but started saying that he didn't want to go to school after all. I thought he was just whining because he wanted to stay home with me again...you see where this is going, don't you? The nurse called a half hour later to say he was practically green and could I come get him. He was dreadfully ill and I have him home now. I wish I had listened to him when he said he wasn't feeling well. Does anyone have a rewind button for me? I have a call in to the doc, because I'm not sure what to do now. First, I'm wondering if something in his breakfast interacted badly with the medicine. Maybe I shouldn't have given him milk to drink? Because he didn't react to the dose I gave him yesterday. I'm sure she'll tell me what to do next: if I need to try another medicine or just redose the one I have. With this new insurance plan we started on Jan 1 I have to pay full price for all prescriptions until we meet the deductible, so going out and buying a new antibiotic is a lot more painful than it used to be! I'm not used to paying more than $20 for an Rx, but DH assures me that this new plan is going to save us money. I believed him until I had to pay $119 for the medicine yesterday! That was hard! And speaking of DH, he left this morning for Las Vegas. He's going to try and get back Thursday but most likely it will be late Friday. So not only am I a single parent for a couple of days, I'm a single parent ON A DIET with a sick baby. All I can say is, at least it isn't snowing. :sigh: UPDATE: This is kid is a real contender. I swear. I took his temperature around 10 and it was 102.2. He looked awful so I got him some Tylenol. He laid around for an hour or so, but once the meds kicked in he was ravenous. I brought up a piece of cheese toast, an extra slice of cheese (at his request) and a few grapes. A few minutes later he was done and asking for more of everything. He's up and walking around, solving the puzzles on one of his favorite shows (Crashbox on HBO) and laughing and joking. Since I'm not worried about him falling behind in his work, and I'm kind of a stickler for not sending them back to school unless they've been fever-free for 24 hours, he'll be home with me again tomorrow. But he's definitely doing much better. THank you for the kind comments. :D

Scary night

My little guy is sick again, although you wouldn't know it to look at him. First, he had a pink eye all day yesterday so I had resolved to take him to the doctor today anyway. Then, he came in our room around 1:00 am coughing, gasping and sobbing. He was having trouble breathing, and I thought he had finally started showing symptoms of asthma, which his daddy had as a child. But DH knows what asthma sounds like and he said it was up higher in his throat. I went for the Family Medical Guide (THIS IS A LIFE THREATENING EMERGENCY! is its response to just about anything I look up, so this may not have been the wisest course of action) and concluded that he was having an attack of croup. Neither of my kids has ever gotten croup before, and it scared the bejabbers out of me. DH got him in the bath and got some steam going. I gave him a little medicine and some orange juice and got his humidifier going. Once he calmed down his breathing eased up and he was able to talk. He went back to sleep, but obviously I called doc first thing and we have an appointment later this afternoon. This poor kid just can't seem to stay well! Nevertheless, he's running around the house playing with the dog and asking for a double-stack of waffles. So I know he feels okay...I'm just not so sure he is okay. Oh, and his eye's still pink so there's no choice but see the doc. Other than that, I'm trying to stay full on the new diet and prepare myself for DH's upcoming business trips. He's going to the big trade show, Consumer Electronics Showcase, in Las Vegas this week. Then he's home for a week and headed out for a HUGE trip to the Far East: Korea, China, and Singapore. A week and a half away! I'm so not looking forward to that one. Hope you all have a great week and I'll see you soon!

DONE! Running, screaming, dancing

I feel like these socks have been on the needles forever. I made SO many mistakes with the first one, then made SO many different ones with the second. Hey, better to make different mistakes than the same ones over again, right? Anyway, I'm very excited for my husband to come home from work tonight so he can put them on his feeties. Yes, that's me modeling them. Our feet are very nearly the same size, I'm embarrassed to say. So check em out:

Release

Today, I did some releasing. I released my fears about losing weight into the universe. I released myself from being upset when my son brings home a slightly less than wonderful report from school. And I released myself from two responsibilities (digital scrapbooking creative teams) that were causing me to give myself guilt over not paying as much attention to them as I should have. My husband once told me, once a hobby starts stressing you out, it's time to find a new hobby. Well, scrapping was stressing me out. So I am now only on one creative team, and that one is a very low-pressure gig for a designer who I consider a long-time friend. And I will give her 100% of my time and energy and mojo, and I will be proud of the work I do instead of finishing a layout and saying, "Okay, now I need to go do something for So-N-So's team so they don't get the short end of the stick." Too much pressure, and not any fun! Release is good. I am currently (and of my own volition, not from any sense of obligation) knitting my husband a pair of socks. And they are so soft, and so pretty, and coming along so nicely, that they give me joy just to look at them. Now THAT is what a hobby should be! For those who were asking about a gallery of my knitting projects, I have everything stored over at a site called Ravelry which is not yet open to the general public. But I think I can share my Flickr page link and you should be able to see them all there as well: http://www.flickr.com/photos/15920154@N07/ Feel free to ignore all the photos of yarn, lol. One of the features of Ravelry is being able to upload photos of your yarn stash and keep track of what you have. As a newer knitter, I figured now was a good time to get that going before I have more than I can photograph.

Happy 2008

We had a lovely evening with some friends in Nassau County. The children played the Wii and had a wonderful time, and the grownups were actually allowed to have nice conversations without much interruption! I'm so glad we have this tradition to look forward to each year. Rebecca is concerned that, after next year, people will no longer be able to celebrate the new year with those glasses that have the double zero for the eyes. Ah well, they can do it again come the year 3000, right? Resolutions? Yeah, kinda. 1. Follow the Spark People diet and exercise program and reach my goal weight by the end of the year. (Lots of mini-goals on the way which I will probably delineate here as I go.) 2. Be a calmer, more patient mother and remember that no matter what the teachers say, my kids are smart, funny, and FINE. 3. Walk the dog every day. 4. Knit whenever possible. Please have a happy, peaceful 2008. Make a difference in your little corner of the world, and do what you can to help others who are suffering. I'm a little sad about the turmoil that's happening around our world today, but I'm still optimistic that we can all do something to help bring change.